PART 2 - Surviving & Thriving

Continuing on from Part One ....
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This is the actual reason I wrote this piece, is not to blab on about my troubles, but to address the issues we as a global community deal with EVERYDAY how we link our self-worth to like situations. 
When we are challenged with anything, our brains first response is to be defensive of our actions and is designed to protect us. But, how come whenever it comes to the heartache at the hands of another, we allow ourselves to question our self-worth? Now I will address the heartbreak of a relationship, cause lets add that to the list of heartache I am dealing with… currently.
 
Where to start, dating is hard, right? I mean, putting yourself out there, those first initial awkward ‘get to know the person’ dates, the first intimate encounter… will they like it if I do it this way? I wonder if I’m a good kisser?! The list goes on. Then there’s the questioning of what’s happening, are we exclusive, open or nothing? Am I just a root and boot? Does he like me? Will he cheat on me? Will he use me? All these things and more play on our minds at one stage or another. What works for one couple does not necessarily work for others. Everyone has their two cents to put in and then you are left unsure and questioning yourself.

The latest dating saga in my life has honestly left me… confused. It was only happening for a month, but it genuinely felt like it had been going on for what felt like ever. It was going so great and we get along so well, but as it started to get more serious he started to become more closed off. Generally speaking he wasn’t the best at communicating or expressing himself and he had a lot of his own issues he needed to deal with before he could let me be apart of his life, but at times I have questioned my self-worth due to my own insecurities (which were by no means his fault).

I remember asking myself if I was loveable… which flowed into what’s wrong with me? Am I not worth the time and effort? It all seems so silly doesn’t it? It’s all bullshit. We don’t need no man, friend, family member or ANYONE for a matter of fact to tell you whether we are worthy or good enough for someone or something. But, that’s not the case in today’s society and its not necessarily people telling us what we can have and what we cant but its fixed into the younger generation and even my generation and probably every generation that we need to be validated by someone other than ourselves.

Why? I feel sad we live in a society like this and I feel like I betrayed myself by letting my demons appear at the surface and pushed someone away that could have really been something great for me. I know it was wrong timing, for both of us but I have so much respect and nothing but nice things to say about this above mentioned knight that I feel like I owe him an apology for being a lesser version of myself. I didn’t show him the ONLY side of myself that I should be expressing which is the loyal, caring, generous, funny, vivacious person with a massive heart. Instead I showed him the person he didn’t want to be around; the sassy, moody, grumpy and sometimes (most of the time) difficult to handle insecure demon. I know that to eventually let someone into my life and to make it work I need to deal with my insecurities, but I will never, ever be validated by someone other than myself. WHY? Because I am not a possession, I am a person and I am the only person who decides who I am, what I’m going to be and how I should be treated. I know I deserve nothing less than the best and if the person I end up with cannot accept me at my worst, than they certainly do not deserve me at my best.
 
I recently stumbled across a quote on my path to curbing my insecurities and it states this: “You’re a highly sensitive person and well, that’s okay. Sometimes you often wish people would understand you, but they don’t look at it from a deeper level like you. You feel deeper than the average person, so reacting with your emotions is normal. Being so sensitive causes you to love harder, to be more intuitive and feel everything around you.” It made me come to terms with the fact that I wear my heart on my sleeve and with every fibre of my being you know what mood I am in from looking at me. Sometimes it’s a good thing and sometimes it can mean that I need to work on how to cope with my emotions better. For this experience, it taught me that maybe I shouldn’t have been so quick to assume the worst first up. However, I know my worth and what I’m worth was not his version of what I was worth at the time, he had his own issues and couldn’t commit to me like I needed him to. And that is okay. I mean it hurt like hell. But it taught to never make an effort for someone that would not make the same effort for you. I promised myself after my previous relationship that never again would I let someone question my self worth and although I have a lot of learning to do, I got out relatively unscathed.
 
So, I will leave you with this. If I am questioning my self-worth and promoting self-love, am I a liar? I don’t think so. I believe that we all have our war wounds, but if we can pick each other up and learn to acknowledge when we are feeling negative feelings and try and see it as a lesson learnt or an opportunity to grasp rather than a failed relationship or whatever scenario it relates to for you, we can all learn to love ourselves a little more and let go of what might be holding us back. For me, it’s my insecurities. But I will get there and for anyone who is struggling at the moment, you will get there too. It’s a long road to success, but it’s worth every single step if you can look back and say you gave it your absolute best to try and be the BEST VERSION OF YOU!
 
To anyone out there struggling, please take a deep breath and relax. Close your eyes and envision what you want to be like, do not compare yourself now. No, simply look at yourself in 1 month, 2 years or a decade and visualize where you will be, what you will be doing, what you will have achieved and what is to come and believe it. Whatever you can believe can definitely be achieved. Keep pushing through today and whatever obstacle is challenging you in the now and these seemingly dark days will become brighter and lighter, filled with everything you could possibly conjure into your life and more if you are willing to take that plunge and change your mind and bad habits.
 
Thank you for reading, with love,
Bek xoxo